Dreams

Perfect plans, high goals, big dreams. At the start of each new adventure I face it with optimism. I have lots of hope that this will be a positive experience. Today I started school. I printed off syllabuses, looked at deadlines, turned in assignments. I have been working on school off and on for 12 hours. I know that this will get old fast, but for now I will get ahead. I will work. Right now it's kinda fun. It also keeps me busy. My mind needs to be busy. I miss my kids. I miss the laughter, the chaos, the noise. I check Facebook several times a day for news of them. I write on a wall, knowing it's going to be deleted, rejected once again. It is never far from my mind that my child won't let me in. She has no clue how much I love her. She has no clue how much I desire to have a relationship with her, but it needs to be on her terms. I want to help. I won't give up. I will keep reaching. I hope one day she will accept my love. I am so thankful that not all the kids reject my love. I am thankful for the smiles and even the tears. They are the only thing that kept me going. Someday I hope they know the depths of my love. All of them.

Mapping the course

Sitting in the drivers seat, looking at a map. I know where I want to go. I know when I want to go. Seeing all the different paths to take to get there holds me in place. It's not that I don't know the fastest, most direct route. I do. It's just that there are other people in the car with me and I need to know how to get where I want to go with everyone that I want to take.

This is my life.

I have been contemplating all the changes lately, and even more changes about to start. I become a student again on Monday. With that comes a new schedule. So I figured if I was going to get that part of my life together, why wait on getting healthier and loosing this extra weight too. Nothing and no one is stopping me but me. And fear.

So I mapped out a plan. Set the date. Decided I was going to start on Tuesday at 10p. Oh, I know 10p sounds like a crazy time to start a diet, but not when you work nights. Tuesdays are the only day that I always work so Tuesday evening was the plan. I left work tired Tuesday morning, took an algebra test (and passed), and went to bed, only to wake up 2 hours later sick. Really sick. But I figured what a better way to start my plan. Slept all day but found myself stumbling out of bed about midnight to get a starting weight.

So now I'm on another path. Finding my way to healthy, body, mind, and spirit.

What a journey!

Rewriting paradise

Islands, ocean, warm sand, perfect temperatures. No worries, no problems, no work, no responsibility, no fighting. Spending the day on a beach with my loved ones, all happy. Someone is snorkeling. Someone is lounging on lawn chairs with the waves coming up and tickling their toes. Everyone is at peace. Not a stranger in sight, unless they are delivering food or drinks.

That is the picture I get when I think paradise. I know it's never going to be, even on vacation. My brain doesn't stop thinking, contemplating, worrying. I will always have my hurts, my worries, my fears. I also carry my good memories. I have been blessed. It is always there. Most know very little of what actually goes on inside my head. I am aware that I am not unique. This is everyone's life story.

The best advice I have ever received: make your day into a golden day. If you do that every day you will have a golden year. When you make a habit of that you are creating your golden years today.

It's 2012. A new year. A time to reflect, evaluate, and set goals for the future. I, for one, am looking forward to it. It's going to be a golden year. Only this time paradise is not going to be perfect, it's going to have hurts, tears, disappointments, laughter, fun. This will be my real paradise.